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Overcoming Hurdles

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Overcoming Hurdles - Julie Simone

It doesn’t matter how long someone has been a top, Dom or Domme, there’s going to come a time when one hits a hurdle, a road block, something that interrupts the energy flow within a scene or play dynamic.

I had one recently with a client I’d seen multiple times.
Our scene started off with a bang, then it started to fizzle out.  I tried adding different element to spice things up.  He was into cuckolding fantasy.  Part of our role-play included talking about all the things other men got to do to me that he’d never get to do.  He loved watching my movies where I’m the submissive.  One day I brought my laptop into my dungeon and had my movie “Submissive Slut” playing.  I made him watch it at various points in the scene but it didn’t have the effect for which I was hoping.

I talked to my Mentor / Domina about it.  It doesn’t matter what your experience level is, you should have other people you can talk to about your scenes.  You never know what little gem might come out of their mouths, out of their experiences.  I’ve learned a lot by listening to stories and not having too big of an ego to ask questions, to discuss, to allow for an exchange of ideas.

She had some interesting points about the scene I hadn’t considered.  Then I remembered something she once said about stating the obvious within the scene as part of the verbal.  This is something I struggled with a lot in the beginning.  We both know that he’s tied up and there’s a gag in his mouth.  It felt silly to reference it but I noticed that once I started doing it I got a great response.  I could see the sub’s excitement level multiply exponentially.

When this client booked his next session I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  Part of me wanted to have a consultation with him beforehand to discuss what was going wrong with our sessions, why our connection was fizzling.  Instead I built the conversation into the scene.  We had stopped doing orgasm control, something which I find highly amusing, at his request.  After we were a little ways into the scene I cooed : “I really miss doing orgasm control.  It’s one of my favorite things”  (or something along those lines)   His response was – if it made me happy we could do it, as he was my property to do with as I pleased.  It was that easy.  Taking away this element was a big part of the lowered enthusiasm for me.  All I had to do was communicate my needs and desires in order to have them fulfilled.  One hears about submissive not communicating their desires and feeling unfulfilled all the time.  it’s not supposed to happen to the Top/Domme/Dom!   But sometimes it does…

Finding a way to explore the problems of the dynamic within the scene in many ways made it hotter.  I worked the other areas with which I was unsatisfied into the scene as well with just as favorable results.  In general I’m not a fan of role-play.  I like to keep it real.  I’m hitting you because I want to.  We’re doing this because it amuses me.  Being able to be real within the scene, to be able to bring real elements and eroticize them was a hot experience for both of us and it brought our play to a new level.   While I recognize that as a Pro-Domina there is a level of customer service involved, I was subjugating my own interests and satisfaction.  That is what was making me unhappy and poisoning the dynamic.

Of course, every situation is going to be different.  When you find yourself hitting a roadblock sit down and analyze it.

1.  What has changed ?

2.  Why did it change?

3.  Discuss with people you respect, get to the bottom of why what has changed bothers you to find the real problem.

The problem might seem to be that my slave folds my underwear incorrectly, but the real problem could be that you think the slave is testing you or being passive aggressive and that is what’s pissing you off.  The problem is generally much deeper than surface level.  My problem was my own confidence and not knowing what the limits were, where I could go, what I could get away doing in my role while still satisfying the client.

4.  Communicate with your partner once you’ve discovered the root of the problem to achieve a resolution.  Depending on the dynamic you can do it within the scene or in any manner that’s appropriate for you.

The bottom line is it’s about you finding a way to make things work for you and your play partners.  While there are tons of articles and books filled with opinions on such things as protocols and rules, what really matters is what makes YOU happy, what works for your dynamic.

Julie Simone

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