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Tips for Longevity in the Pro-Domme Scene

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Learning to say no is probably the most valuable and hardest thing I had to learn to do as a Pro Domme.  When you work in a dungeon, saying no can be your downfall.  If you don’t do whatever the manager on shift wants you to do, you will be punished.  When I was featuring at a dungeon in NYC,  one phone girl was so irritated that I wouldn’t do strap on play that she wouldn’t book sessions for me on her shift.  I actually heard her on a call where someone asked for me specifically and she convinced them that someone else was a better fit.  She was trying to starve me into doing it, but it wasn’t something I was ready to do.

Saying no to activities I didn’t want to do to was the first lesson. Sometimes I would get talked into doing things I wasn’t into because i needed the money (Dommes have bills to pay too), or the phone girl was harassing me into doing it. Almost every single time going against my personal limits or comfort level had negative effects. Occasionally it went well, my eyes were opened and I said “hey, that wasn’t so bad, let me try it again!”. But when it’s bad, it’s really BAD. I’ve had horrible sessions that left me unable to work for weeks because I was so traumatized. What many people can’t understand is when you’re making money involving your sexuality doing things you’re not comfortable with will eat you up inside. I’ve given money away to homeless people that I made doing something that made me sick because I didn’t want any reminder of it. That’s no way to live and it certainly isn’t a recipe for longevity.


Being an independent is so much better in that you get to have complete control over who you see and don’t see.  It also means you’re responsible for everything – manning your phones and doing your advertising, which can be overwhelming  in the beginning.   I’ve had to learn how to control a conversation and keep chatter to a minimum while still getting the information I need.   While I am a Dominant, strong personality, I’m also very polite so this was difficult for me.  I had to learn that I wasn’t being rude by having short conversations, I was being efficient.  The person on the other line trying to suck up my time for free was the one being rude.

My first question to callers now is generally either “How can I help you?” or  “Are you calling to book a session?”.  Quick and to the point.   This is after all, business.

Being a freelance independent worker in any field is tough. It’s often feast or famine and you sometimes feel like you have to take everything that comes in because who knows what the next day or week will bring. I had to start scheduling days off. Doing sessions every single day and always being on call was making me crazy. I couldn’t plan my life, much less live it. I couldn’t go to the gym because inevitably as soon as I got on that treadmill, someone would call and book a session. Now I have set hours. I take calls 10a-6p. I rarely work weekends. Occasionally I’ll work a Saturday if I feel like it or someone books an appointment earlier in the week. In that case I’ll take a day off during the week to compensate. Even if you love your job, which I do, we all need breaks, time off, and some sort of structure if we want to last. I used to let people talk me into doing sessions outside of my hours and it made me crazy.


That’s not to say I never do sessions outside my usual hours, people just need to arrange it in advance so I can plan accordingly.  I am pretty firm with my advance notice requirement, which is at least 2 hrs. One of the many things I hated about working at a house/commercial dungeon is you’re supposed to be ready at a moment’s notice.  For me, it’s not a switch I can turn on in 30 seconds and be whatever you want me to be.  I have a process that starts with the phone call that books the appointment.  When we hang up I start building the scene in my head.  I shower, I get dressed, I do my makeup.  I get my gear ready, I sweep and mop my floors, I re-sterilize whatever equipment we’re going to use and all the surfaces in my dungeon, all while getting into the mood and the headspace and opening myself up to make a play connection.  It’s not an in and out operation  – Ok, next!  We’re not at the DMV.  People pay a lot of money to see a Domme and should get the total experience.   There are a few people I’ve seen multiple times who book me with shorter notice, but I’ve seen them so many times the play connection is already there.

It’s very easy to burn out when working as a Pro-Domme.  It can be really intense. The most important things I’ve had to learn is :

1.  Learn to say no.  Don’t do things you don’t want to do for money.  The toll it takes on your psyche is not worth it.

2. Set regular hours  and days

3. Don’t let clients control the conversation.

4. Give yourself adequate time both before the session to get into the headspace and after to allow yourself to come down and re-center.





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