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Too Nice to be a Domme?

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No Bitch

The stereotype of the Angry Bitch-Goddess is ubiquitous thanks to the internet. It’s difficult to find ‘Femdom’ porn without coming across a Woman with her hair pulled severely back, donning dark makeup, a sneer on Her face, while She screams at the top of her lungs at the ‘lowly maggot’ crawling on the ground beneath Her 8” heels. Admit it, you’ve seen it. And for the subs and slaves out there, many of you have likely enjoyed it as well.

The term ‘Bitch-Goddess’ is a little dichotomous, when you think about it. Why would someone with the power of a Goddess need to resort to being a yelling & screaming bitch in order to assert Her authority? I think it’s contradictory. A true Goddess would have to do nothing more than offer a facial expression to show Her disapproval to Her supplicants. A subtle change in the tone of Her voice should be enough to fill any unworthy slaves with shame, and encourage them to try that much harder to please Her. In My opinion, a Woman doesn’t need to be a bitch to be a Domme, She needs to be Dominant  to be a Domme.

It’s understandable where this visualization came from. The term ‘Dominatrix’ became popular in the 1960’s. At the same time, the artwork of Eric Stanton was incredibly popular (with the BDSM community at least). Much of his artwork depicted angry and violent Women beating men in ways that we may not have seen in modern depictions. Imagine a man being scissored facing his wife while being beaten about the face with a folded belt. I know some of you just got a twinge at reading that, but it’s not the sort of imagery that is commonplace today.
This imagery came on the tail of an era where it was acceptable to slap a Woman who spoke out of turn. It was as natural as spanking a child at the time. I’m sure the Women on the receiving end of those strikes would have a differing point of view, but since society accepted it, they were forced to do the same. When the top blew off of the sexual revolution, it didn’t just affect mainstream feminism, it also had a profound effect on the emerging Femdom world as well. Women were taking their long-suppressed power back, and much of the art and literature of the time reflected that. I imagine that much of the hostility that was felt 50 years ago has waned, and we are coming at things from a healthier place today.

I do understand the fantasy of being utterly controlled and roughly handled. However, don’t mistake a softer visage and a less loud and angry environment for a lack of dominance. I think it would actually be easier sometimes to be the yelling & screaming bitch that many fantasize about. I wouldn’t have to concern Myself as much with the exchange that takes place, just act like a crazed Amazon, and realize that some of My boys would actually enjoy this. I feel that most would be left wanting, though.  Why? Simple: a lack of exchange.

Whether it’s a professional or lifestyle situation, a term that is inescapable in any BDSM relationship is ‘power exchange’. It doesn’t matter if you are in a D/s relationship, a Pro Domme and Her client, or friends simply playing as a Top and a bottom, there is a definable power exchange that takes place. In my sessions, I am constantly reading responses & reactions to everything that I say & do. The direction of the session is dependent on a great many factors, including (but not limited to): My sub’s list of interests and limits given to Me before the session, their reactions and responses to Me during the session, things they have asked for or said to Me during the session, My own interests and limits, and My connection with My sub.

Power is something that you have or you don’t, and it is something that comes from within. It is something that can be enhanced and expanded upon by being offered as a gift by the person submitting to You as a part of their exchange. Personal respect, likewise, cannot be demanded. No amount of shouting or yelling is going to make a person respect Me as a Domme. I have to earn the respect of everyone who meets Me, and that begins from the first time we make contact by Email or phone. I have never resorted to being a bitch (in session at least), and I have never once felt a lack of power or respect. If I ever felt a lack of either, I would not continue with the session. It would be insincere.

Before booking any sort of session (professional or otherwise) be very clear with yourself about what it is you are looking to get out of it. Take a break from the porn for a while, and think about what you need and what you want. The more honest you are with yourself, the more honest you will be able to be with your future Domme, and the more genuine and enjoyable any interaction will be. Remember, you can be controlled just as easily with a subtle look, gesture or softly spoken command as you can by someone shouting as though they are watching their favourite team losing miserably on the big screen at the local pub.

© Lady Azelle

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